Another Kimblog...

I often wonder if other Christians feel as though they were made to do something in particular, but it just never really comes together. I'm not talking about being famous or getting rich, but the intense desire to use a gift for the Lord.  There is this real passion, to the point where they think about it, long to spend time doing it, and are saddened that God doesn't bless the attempts in it.  All the while watching others seem to really take hold of an idea or use a gift to do great things and be truly used.

In homeschool Bible time today, we were in Galatians 2, and discussing... "I have been crucified with Christ;  it is no longer I  who live,  but Christ lives in me;  and the life which I now live  in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." (2:20 NKJV) We were talking about how our salvation is by faith in Christ alone... "by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves;  it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast." (Eph. 2:8&9 NKJV) and how even our Christian growth is based on faith in Christ living in us.  We often try to do things to be more holy and spiritual,  and although they may be the right things, such as... praying, church going,  serving, and reading our Bibles, these Christian "Must Do's," can be done in the flesh.  We have all done it, prayed selfishly and half heartedly, or the usual one for me is to serve grudgingly.  Erin, (one of our teens) and I ended up having to ask Craig, (the preacher man in our family) "Just how do we know if we are doing the Christian stuff in the flesh, or by the Spirit?  How do we measure or test these things? "

Now, before I give his wise answer, I have to say that this idea and feeling  of passion and purpose, and my pain in it's apparently not being used of God, has really been on my mind alot. 

So... when my dear Mr. PreacherMan says, " Fruit."        

  I am not encouraged.         

 Okay, I can see that if my prayers are real, my bible reading is with an openness to be effected by the Holy Spirit, and my serving is as unto the Lord with joy and gladness... I will grow, and I will produce fruit, because Christ will be at work in and through me.  But what about that thing that calls to me? Why when I have prayed with tears, and worked with all my heart to do this thing for the Lord, and again...I feel so sure I am made just for this... there is no sign of fruit. (Infact, there is real lack of encouragement from beloved brothers and sisters in Christ.) 

I hope this blogging will help me to work out my thoughts, and give myself the counsel I would give another.  I have had Biblical counsel that at times was so strong, it cut to the heart, and yet the hurt was so...good.  Recently, when we were homeless and so insecure, I sought counsel from a Godly older couple who have been in ministry for about 50 years.  I wanted to know how to protect my heart from the "pastor's wife" hurts injected by the church, and also if we should follow our feelings about what church to take next. They really hit me hard with the scripture about our hearts being desperately wicked, and untrustworthy.  This is the opposite of what we are told all our lives in the world. " Watch out for #1 first!" "Follow your heart!"  I CAN'T TRUST ME. 

So, where does this leave my dreams?

I CAN TRUST GOD.

Father, You know I can't shake this desire to sing and play my guitar, to write music and paint illustrations of worship, for You.  Oh how often I have said that I will do it just for You though the world gives me no reason to continue.  But Lord, You know I want to produce fruit with these gifts.  I ask myself over and over if I am a people pleaser, if I just want the praise of man, to feel good about my work.  If thats the case Lord, break me of it.  Your Word is working on me Lord.  I hope my desires will become more about knowing You and believing You, and  growing by faith in Christ.  I may not amount to much, but if I could bring You glory, if I could make You my boast, then that will be worth it all.  Again, I lay down my dreams, and I decide to "Delight myself in the Lord and commit my way to You," as in Psalm 37, and trust that "He will give you the desires of your heart...bring it to pass..."  Whether You gave me these dreams, or if my wicked heart has conjured them up for selfish gain, I pray You will make it clear to me, O Father.

In Jesus, Ahmen.

"Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way..." Psalm 37:7